A Note From England
Cliveden House
It's been a minute since I posted last, but the past few weeks have been filled with so much inspiration and beauty. As you may know, I recently traveled to England for a holiday and a photography workshop in Dorset. Now that I'm home, wistfully sipping my tea on the sofa with the birds chirping outside, daydreaming of the idyllic English countryside, I wanted to share some beautiful moments. This was the first time in a long while I'd traveled alone, unabashedly allowed to be myself and listen to my heart on what to do and see. I’ve been to the UK before, but it felt like a true escape in every sense of the word, not just for photography inspiration or far from the routines of ordinary life, but one for my soul. I know how terribly cheesy that sounds, and I'm giggling as I write that, but that's truly how it was and felt. I keep my private life private, but this is one thing I do want to share in hopes it reaches someone who needs to hear it. I was in an abusive relationship for five years, with a few more tucked in my belt in the past too. I have been entirely alone for the past two and a half years, devoted to healing and working on myself. I've never been in a healthy relationship, actually. In short, after years of abandoning myself, being told you're unlovable, and made to feel so unworthy, and living in someone's shadow. This trip was a "yes, I see you" to myself. A coming home to me. A "You can do, be, or have anything, and you're beyond worthy of it." I felt like I was coming home. Coming home to what makes me, me and not having to be ashamed of it. It opened up my heart and eyes to believe in my potential and love one day.
On my last day, I booked an afternoon at Cliveden, a luxury hotel and historic house owned by the National Trust. It was one last hurrah and quintessential English treat to end my holiday. I sipped alone, yet so content and at peace, enjoying the sweeping view and tea service, which replenished the sandwiches so many times I lost count! I leisurely made my way to the gardens afterward (as a lady does!), sat on a bench overlooking the idyllic rolling hills by a lake only Jane Austen can describe elegantly of its full glory, and cried fully. Even now, I'm tearing up.
At the moment, I didn't know why tears were streaming down my face. It wasn't profound sadness of leaving this green heaven; it was an overwhelming feeling of pride and belief in myself…that I made this happen! This view, this new, found me. I felt torn with so many thoughts of what the next steps are, I didn’t know the answers to what the next steps are, but a voice inside my head said, “ At least I have and found myself again.” I was right where I was meant to be. "Trust and know it will happen; stay true to you," it said. I keep that photo of that bench on my phone close by as a reminder.
You've probably been hoping for glorious photos of a stately manor instead of this raw emotional ramble! But I wanted to share this with anyone in a similar situation or confronting the same feelings. Losing yourself and your self-esteem happens slowly, bit by bit, that you hardly notice…be it from being in an unhealthy relationship or an unfulfilling soul-sucking job. Sometimes we get so lost in the trees we can't see the forest. Then in a usually unexpected pivotal moment, we “wake up” and ask ourselves how we got here. It could slap you in the face, or it could be a knowing whisper from within. “I deserve more than this. This isn’t right for me.” Regardless of your situation, there is always a way out to something better, greater, and worthy of your authentic self. Sometimes, all we need is a gentle reminder from someone who has already crossed that threshold.
Despite looking for the proverbial dashing Mr. Darcy gallantly appearing through the fog, over the past two years, I’ve come to realize and appreciate the most important relationship that matters is the one with yourself. To be happily content with yourself…Only in solitude and quiet corners of our hearts can we return and love ourselves again…meet the real you again. Whatever your heart's desire is, be it having afternoon tea at a stately home or writing your book overlooking the Aegean, whatever it is… it's possible, and it's already within you. In the stillness and company of our own hearts, we can find the courage to state it, see it, and believe it. Your path is your path. In life’s challenges, the greatest asset we can have is ourselves… and in turn, the person looking back at you in the mirror is the greatest asset to reach your unlimited potential and path to fulfillment.
I hope you enjoy these photos I've captured, in no particular order, but moments of beauty and ones that feel so very British!
Sending lots of love as a friend with tea and a biscuit, naturally, in hand to you,
Alanna
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